Don’t push, forget

The pain disappears if you forget about it. Don’t push through the pain, focus on something else. What is pain? Pain is an illusion meant to limit you. You have no limits. You don’t need to push, you just need to realize that there is nothing to push. Just keep going.

In better news, I’m recognized!!! My parents came the Saturday of Recognition to surprise me! I didn’t know they were coming at all… cried tears of happiness when they came and tears of sadness when they left.

Life is still 100 times better now. You have no idea. Saturday was the best day of my life.


Writing and math

There’s really not a lot of difference between writing and math and science in my opinion. The basis of writing a good paper is in your argument. And that argument is based in the same logic, reasoning, and rationalism that you use for math and science. You just need to know how to communicate those ideas succinctly and eloquently. There’s a little more free reign obviously and an element of knowing when you’ve found the “right” phrasing which is where subjectivity comes in. Which is why reading as a child is so important because you learn what good literature looks like and it becomes a part of your intuition.

Life Control

I have tied my motivation so much to my goals that this current uncertainty in my path is giving me slight anxiety.

I’m thinking out loud but not having my life organized or having a plan makes me nervous which is both a good and bad thing.

Family friendly musings

Bones is a “I am at home with my family” show

You wouldn’t really watch it in college or casually in your apartment that you know you’ll only have for 2-3 years at most.

You’d watch it with your family. At home. Where you know you’ll be for at least the next 10 years… probably more.

Just a little thought since I’ve been thinking a lot about my future and about my past. My family used to watch Bones a lot. We used to watch a lot of shows that you’d watch at home with your family. They still do, just without me since i’m 1.7 thousand miles across the country now. Do I miss it? Yes I do. I never thought I’d be the “settle down” type of person, but I guess my parents raised me right haha

But being in the military, being in the Air Force, is terrible for a family. I know that. Settling down is the retirement plan. 20+ years then I’ll settle down. Maybe I’d start a family when I know my career is stable. I don’t know yet, but I know that I will achieve my minimum goal and I will live my life to the fullest and I will travel the world and when it’s all over, I’m going to settle down and have a family and raise my kids so they can live their lives to the best of their ability as well.

Life is Strange

I finished this game over the course of probably about a month and obviously about a month later, I finally feel the profound impacts of it. LiS really is a “coming of age” game. It really challenges players’ views on growing up, maturity, sacrifice, responsibility, insecurity, and friendship.

So that ending, right? It takes a while to digest what lesson the narrative is trying to teach you. I already wrote this out on a paper, but to sum it up, LiS is a game that will probably impact the way you view the world if you are on the lower side of maturity. It’s also a damn good story and world to explore. The soundtrack is pretty great too.

So what’s the lesson? What’s the meaning of the game? What are they trying to teach you? The final choice of Sacrificing or Saving Chloe is obviously a crucial decision that does not fall short of the “hero’s responsibility” that rests on Max’s shoulders. It’s a decision between resisting change, growing up, letting go of innocence, and the natural order of things OR the opposite. Chloe represents Max’s childhood, and it was repeated several times throughout the game that when they’re together, they feel like they’re kids again, like they’re playing pretend as pirates and having great adventures, the world be damned. But you can’t be a kid forever.

As a young adult who is just entering college, at a service academy no less, the amount of personal growth I have experienced in the last three years is mind-blowing. It’s so hard to wrap my mind around how I was eating lunch on the hallway floor with my “friends” wearing jeans and a t-shirt and not washing my hair just three years ago… It really puts things in perspective how my consuming problems from two years ago, last year seem so small now. Not trivial, because those obstacles and life experiences also made me who I am today, but so… long ago yet so recent. My scars from those times in my life are still healing, but they are a part of me now.

I would definitely say doolie year at USAFA has been the most challenging thing I have been through in my short, 18 year life. And it hasn’t even been a year yet. I remember last year at this time we were deep in FIRST season, I was cramming for E&M, I was isolating myself because of my grades and the big mess that had happened last semester. Now, I’m 3/4ths across the country in Colorado high up on a mountain attending school at one of the most prestigious universities in the nation, in the world. So much changes so fast, and yes, I do look back at my childhood, at my teenhood, with nostalgia and fondness… but change is inevitable ~ bad included. It’s just life. Ups and downs. You just need to learn how to ride the wave.

I do miss it. But I really miss the familiarity. I spent the first 17 years of my life in that average sized suburb in New Jersey. I had a routine, I was comfortable. More importantly, I had my family. Other kids here have said that they got tired of their family after a while, and I can totally dig that if I was in their situation. But I look up to my parents. I’m extremely lucky to be able to have my parents as role models. I like them a lot as people and it makes me really happy that can see them as human beings now and I can see them as the kind of human beings that I would want to be. I aspire to have a marriage like theirs one day. Definitely not a house like theirs though lol. I hate yard work… although maybe I could probably hire someone to help clean up. Still hate yard work. Find a nice NY suburb maybe. Kids could attend Stuy. Maybe Thomas Jefferson. The works.

And that’s part of becoming an adult I think. Thinking about what you really want in life. Having mature goals like settling down, having a family, marriage. Thinking about things like your career, your salary. Caring about other people, having a sense of self. Not having to put up a filter anymore. Being comfortable with yourself and unapologetic. Being flexible.

That’s what LiS is about. Both Max and Chloe were immature in their own way, but they helped each other grow. Max’s big character flaw was insecurity and self-deprication, but Chloe helped her be confident. Chloe’s big character flaw was self-destruction and selfishness that masked her own low self-worth, but Max helped her see that she’s does deserve love and happiness in life. They bonded because of that. They were good partners because of that.

The end scene shows how much they both changed. Chloe’s willingness to let Max make her own decision (and likely sacrifice Chloe) without selfishly trying to manipulate her decision shows so much maturity. (It does play into Chloe’s lack of self-worth though. There are several layers to the characters, which I love.) Is it euthanasia or self-destruction? No, because Chloe has something to live for now. She has Max. She also sees the bigger picture in being selfless. On the other hand, Max’s decision to save Arcadia shows her classic selflessness, but more importantly, it marks her symbolically letting go of her childhood and innocence. She makes a decision that marks her entrance into adulthood and maturity. (It does also play into Max’s insecurities and that she only causes bad things with her powers even though she has saved so many people with them… even if her powers did cause the storm, she didn’t intend that to happen at all and those acts of heroism do count.) After everything, she will probably be more confident, thanks to Chloe. Will she stop her self-deprecation? Probably to an extent.


relationships are not business transactions

I used to approach people in an unreasonably rational way – whether they benefited me or not; if I had a tangible use for them. It’s still a slight problem for me, but along with recent events and developments, I’ve come to realize that I am not a completely heartless person. No one is.

Regardless of how much I do or don’t need people, I do need people by some amount, as does every other person in existence. It’s an irrefutable character trait of the human psyche. We are social creatures and having a need to belong will always be a part of being human. Being out of tune with this need obviously leads to imbalance and mistakes.

I used to approach romantic relationships like business transactions. “Will this person help me? Will being with them benefit me in any way?” But relationships are not objects. People are not objects. You can’t say, “Hmm you won’t benefit me because of this so we can’t be in a relationship.” Regardless of how logical that seems, it isn’t a reasonable conclusion. It leaves out the very real factor of human emotion… and irrationality (depending on what you consider irrational). Similarly, you can’t say, “Hmmm idk if I want to be in a relationship with you… but you have this which will benefit me, so sure, why not?”

Relationships are an emotional deal, which means that it doesn’t matter if the person can benefit you or not. If you have feelings for them, then you will want to be in a relationship with them, whether they are a convicted murderer or a saint. Irrational, yes, but that’s just how emotions are. Similarly, you can’t force yourself to be in a relationship, or a real relationship, with someone that you don’t have any feelings for, regardless of how much they can benefit you.

How do relationships end then? Like most things, people become bored and/or disillusioned with the previous object of their affections. This can become accelerated by incompatibility or detriments that one, or both, parties have. Irreconcilable differences. Communication is honestly so important in relationships and literally everything else in life too.

Just a little reflection expose. Recently I’ve been watching Prison Break which is currently the best show in existence. I have to fix up this blog lol

On Real Life

So this blog is unfinished, and I still need to fix up a theme and shit since it’s supposed to be my public blog – but I just wanted to say this somewhere where people would know that it’s me.

I have something against fantasy. It’s like the idea of newspeak from 1984, which was one of the last books I read for real btw (sadly, won’t say when), where the idea is that people can’t think things if they don’t have the words for them. Well that’s the basic idea from my POV. I think it makes sense to me.

So fantasy. If we weren’t exposed to ideas of fantasy, unreal ideas, would we know of them? Would we be able to have some kind of “escape”? It’s a common belief that we need an escape for some reason. Like we need something to help us deal with our “oh so hard” lives. I get it. Life is hard. But maybe we make it hard. Maybe it’s us and not the world. Actually yeah, it is us.

Without unrealistic ideals and expectations which stem from unrealistic and melodramatic movies and scenarios which are planted in our brains, would we be happier? In my opinion right now, yes. Why do we need fantasy? Why do we need something that isn’t real? How will knowing the storyline to a story that isn’t real help us?

The only benefit I can see is that some stories teach lessons and morals like honesty and honor and friendship. But godammit it’s so painful when you look at unreal things like that and then you can’t bear but see the harsh contrast against your own life.

I always get sucked into things like that and it makes me not want to live my life because it’s so much nicer. And then you have all these thoughts and feelings about this nonreal world that don’t help you in any way whatsoever. You’re less efficient, you’re less stable, you subconciously start to believe that real life is like that when it obviously isn’t. These stories are manufactured in the mind of someone else, and sure it’s art, sure it’s beautiful, sure the plot twist was amazing, but real life doesn’t have plot twists. Real life isn’t art and real life isn’t beautiful and real life doesn’t have poignant moments when you shed tears.

Quite frankly, real life is boring and tedious. And, for me, having something non-boring to contrast that with only spirals me into this unrealistic, impractical, inefficient way of thinking which I hate. I think I ranted about this somewhere on my anonymous blog about how “emotion is the bug in the machine,” or something like that, which Sherlock said some variation of.

Creativity be damned it makes me feel so bad to know these fantasies. I hate how I get so much instant gratification from reading them or watching them because it’s not real. I won’t get anything out of them. They make me want to spiral into self-destructive behavior because hey, self-destructive behavior is cute right? Romanticization. That’s also another aspect of fantasy/fiction that I do not like.

Or maybe I just need more human connection, but right now with my vague idea of what I want to do and my vague goals, I can’t have that right now.


It would be so easy for me to just get lost in the fantasies, in the unreal, nonreal worlds, but I know I can’t. That’s what makes it so painful for me.