relationships are not business transactions

I used to approach people in an unreasonably rational way – whether they benefited me or not; if I had a tangible use for them. It’s still a slight problem for me, but along with recent events and developments, I’ve come to realize that I am not a completely heartless person. No one is.

Regardless of how much I do or don’t need people, I do need people by some amount, as does every other person in existence. It’s an irrefutable character trait of the human psyche. We are social creatures and having a need to belong will always be a part of being human. Being out of tune with this need obviously leads to imbalance and mistakes.

I used to approach romantic relationships like business transactions. “Will this person help me? Will being with them benefit me in any way?” But relationships are not objects. People are not objects. You can’t say, “Hmm you won’t benefit me because of this so we can’t be in a relationship.” Regardless of how logical that seems, it isn’t a reasonable conclusion. It leaves out the very real factor of human emotion… and irrationality (depending on what you consider irrational). Similarly, you can’t say, “Hmmm idk if I want to be in a relationship with you… but you have this which will benefit me, so sure, why not?”

Relationships are an emotional deal, which means that it doesn’t matter if the person can benefit you or not. If you have feelings for them, then you will want to be in a relationship with them, whether they are a convicted murderer or a saint. Irrational, yes, but that’s just how emotions are. Similarly, you can’t force yourself to be in a relationship, or a real relationship, with someone that you don’t have any feelings for, regardless of how much they can benefit you.

How do relationships end then? Like most things, people become bored and/or disillusioned with the previous object of their affections. This can become accelerated by incompatibility or detriments that one, or both, parties have. Irreconcilable differences. Communication is honestly so important in relationships and literally everything else in life too.

Just a little reflection expose. Recently I’ve been watching Prison Break which is currently the best show in existence. I have to fix up this blog lol


On Real Life

So this blog is unfinished, and I still need to fix up a theme and shit since it’s supposed to be my public blog – but I just wanted to say this somewhere where people would know that it’s me.

I have something against fantasy. It’s like the idea of newspeak from 1984, which was one of the last books I read for real btw (sadly, won’t say when), where the idea is that people can’t think things if they don’t have the words for them. Well that’s the basic idea from my POV. I think it makes sense to me.

So fantasy. If we weren’t exposed to ideas of fantasy, unreal ideas, would we know of them? Would we be able to have some kind of “escape”? It’s a common belief that we need an escape for some reason. Like we need something to help us deal with our “oh so hard” lives. I get it. Life is hard. But maybe we make it hard. Maybe it’s us and not the world. Actually yeah, it is us.

Without unrealistic ideals and expectations which stem from unrealistic and melodramatic movies and scenarios which are planted in our brains, would we be happier? In my opinion right now, yes. Why do we need fantasy? Why do we need something that isn’t real? How will knowing the storyline to a story that isn’t real help us?

The only benefit I can see is that some stories teach lessons and morals like honesty and honor and friendship. But godammit it’s so painful when you look at unreal things like that and then you can’t bear but see the harsh contrast against your own life.

I always get sucked into things like that and it makes me not want to live my life because it’s so much nicer. And then you have all these thoughts and feelings about this nonreal world that don’t help you in any way whatsoever. You’re less efficient, you’re less stable, you subconciously start to believe that real life is like that when it obviously isn’t. These stories are manufactured in the mind of someone else, and sure it’s art, sure it’s beautiful, sure the plot twist was amazing, but real life doesn’t have plot twists. Real life isn’t art and real life isn’t beautiful and real life doesn’t have poignant moments when you shed tears.

Quite frankly, real life is boring and tedious. And, for me, having something non-boring to contrast that with only spirals me into this unrealistic, impractical, inefficient way of thinking which I hate. I think I ranted about this somewhere on my anonymous blog about how “emotion is the bug in the machine,” or something like that, which Sherlock said some variation of.

Creativity be damned it makes me feel so bad to know these fantasies. I hate how I get so much instant gratification from reading them or watching them because it’s not real. I won’t get anything out of them. They make me want to spiral into self-destructive behavior because hey, self-destructive behavior is cute right? Romanticization. That’s also another aspect of fantasy/fiction that I do not like.

Or maybe I just need more human connection, but right now with my vague idea of what I want to do and my vague goals, I can’t have that right now.


It would be so easy for me to just get lost in the fantasies, in the unreal, nonreal worlds, but I know I can’t. That’s what makes it so painful for me.